Monday, September 6, 2010

Sandbaggin' 101

With the fall season knocking at the door, and a slew of proposed hard problems outside the Boulder bubble everyone is looking to get back/stay in shape. Planning road trips, setting goals for the coming year, etc. That's the fun part.

The hard part comes when you actually buy that month membership at the gym, follow regimented work outs, stick to a schedule, watch what you eat, blah blah blah. But that's hard work, right? Why do that when you could be sucking on a tasty cig and pounding a Pabst? Lucky for you I've assembled a list of things you can do to prepare for the fall season without going to the gym and still make everyone think you are a super bad-ass/tough guy/hardbro/hardbabe in 10 mega east steps!

And it's free!

Just print out this sick ass guide (or copy it down with a pen if you don't have a printer, or memorize it if you don't have a pen) and duct tape it to the ceiling of your van/jeep/tent/Coleman two burner/case of beer/girlfriend/boyfriend/crag dog/crashpad for best results!

Sandbaggin' 101:

1. Your unknown local crag is always harder than where you are currently bouldering. Always.

Example: "No way is that thing a 10! That would be like V6 at best back in Indiana."

2. Your new mantra is "Link-up." The great thing about link-ups is they are not defined. Technically two moves can be a link.

Example: "Dude, I made fatty link ups on Martini Right today. It's totally gunna go!"

3. "Hard" is not an option on your 8a scorecard.

4. Consequently "Hard for the grade," is not in your vocabulary. Period.

5. Your proj is always harder than anyone else in the room, but make sure you either choose something obscure for the area to throw off the scent.

Example: "My hard trad project back east." When you're in Bishop. "This amazing new V13 in Hueco." When you're in Zion.

6. Pretentious "poetry" in lieu of actual comments on your 8a scorecard.

Example: Jamie Emerson on I Comb My Hair Like God:

"The austere sun descends above the fen,
an orange cyclops-eye, scorning to look
longer on this landscape of chagrin;
feathered dark in thought, I stalk like a rook,
brooding as the winter night comes on."

7. There is no question that you would have sent if it wasn't for that damn finger tweak/hangover/shoes/hot babe/dude/skin/greasy holds/weather/bank account/lack of weed/spot/dab/rock/move.

8. Shirts are never allowed, have never been allowed, and will never be allowed for dudes, especially if babes are present, regardless of temperature, circumstance, or time of day. Dudettes are to remain badass by hiking problems in front of as many guys as possible and always calling said problems soft.

9. If you aren't strong enough to climb it, that doesn't mean you can't still downgrade it! Try it out! you know Jade is V12 at best.

10. The next go will forever be your best go.

Now go out there and show the climbing community what you're (not) made of!


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